barbara walters just said penis...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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