i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
