you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize