She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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