Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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