Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
