The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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