He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
