She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
True college students do jello shots in the library
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