Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
