my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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