He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
