Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
