woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
