you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
