My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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