you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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