My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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