I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
