Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
