I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
you had me at cake vodka
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
