I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
