areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize