there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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