No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
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