Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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