She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And then the night went full on bisexual.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize