So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
