you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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