The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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