I hate all girls vehemently.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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