There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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