Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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