Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
