toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We left the knife in your bed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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