I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My ass is underappreciated
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
