god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
