Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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