btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
