My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The air was thick with penises
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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