I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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