Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
