birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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