i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
