Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
