I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
