when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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