I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
