i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
