i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
