At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize