She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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