Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
