She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize