Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
