Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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