Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
