it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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