How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize