Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
