Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
