come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
