I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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