I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
