He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
that is very illegal...i love you.
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