I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
