i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
