I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
