I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
