And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
