I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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